The other side...

I have not had a good start to this year. So far, I have overreacted and started a fight with someone that I love, had some serious career issues and amoungst other things just not felt calm. However, the one thing that has really started to get me down is my health.
To begin with, I have had asthma since about the age of 3. I'm used to it, and to those of you who think asthma is nothing more than what fat kids are diagnosed with cause they just cannot seem to run that extra yard even if there is a cake at the finish line, you are wrong. Asthma is, in a word, annoying! Any kind of exertive activity with leave you feeling breathless and you always look like a complete loser when you pull out that little blue inhaler and attempt to breath with it.
A few of you will know, that about two weeks ago, I got Bell's Palsy. This is where an inflammed nerve causes half the muscles in my face to become temporarily paralysed. My initial reaction was utter terror, thinking I had a stroke. After I found out more information about Bell's Palsy I tried to get on with it. The symptoms were supposed to last for 2-3 weeks and it's temporary. How bad could it really be?Turns out... very! The biggest thing I have had to deal with is the fear. After 23 years you get used to looking a certain way so when all of a a sudden you don't, it's a pretty big thing to deal with.Right.... so I started this post during the palsey, and am now fully recovered. I have had some time to process what happened and have also had a mini epiphany in the mean time. I lived through something fairly traumatic but it was short lived. I'm better... I'm getting better. I've also realised that studying Psychology is going to be a good thing, once I'm qualified I'm going to be able to help someone through something a lot more traumatic, and I'm going to be damn good at it.
Ok, so I'm going to post this half done, it's taken me a while to write it and I'm not even close to finished but it's just a pause. The big deep breath before the plunge.

My Movie starring ME

I thought I should note before I go on anymore that I will not be naming names in any of my writings (I could call them blogs but 'writings' sound more romantic). I will of course be talking about some of my closest friends and my family, because they are of course my loved ones. I will not however name them, most of you will figure out who they are anyway.
So...
ME is my movie. ME has written, directed and stared in this movie since ME was born over 23 years ago. ME is the constant and very visual innner monologue I have running in my head. This is mostly to do with my self obsessive and compulsive need to look like I'm in a movie or TV show.  I often find that even when I'm walking down the street I think about how I look to the outside world, as if a camera was constantly pointed on me. I am in constant need to please some external factor, to look like I play the part of a young and fun person.
It occured to me whilst having one of these movie moments on the street that I have had this same feeling since I was 16 years old and I believe it is to do with that fact I actually miss the serious overdose of hormones that we all go through.
Sit back, think about it. The best books, movies, tv shows, feelings, experiences all happen at that age when we're just too young to do anything about it. So, when ME was 16, I remember the best feelings being the ones where you felt like the world was going to end. And of course, I am talking about all those feelings you feel when you fall in love. The key word here being fall and boy did I fall hard. Every day was a constant drama with me because I know that I am a drama queen and God bless that boy for sticking by me 'cause was he hell in the mood for any drama. That movie reel was still whirring round my head though, watching me, telling me that it would stop filming the moment my life got boring. So I made sure, no boredom for my viewers, but when the only viewer of ME was me you become your own worst critic and I'm hoping that eventually I will get bored of the drama.
Fingers are crossed. Toes too.

In the beginning...

So here it is, my annual attempt to finally use that creative writing part of my degree. Ive said to myself many times this year I will write a book, this is the year i'll make my way to fame and fortune with my first publication. It's been three years since I graduated and I have yet to write more than a few pages which I know will never escape my hard drive.
Even trying to write this now, I find myself questioning every tap of the keys, every thought that is spilled out onto the page. I find myself questioning my justification of a degree. English is one of those subjects that you teach, you don't do. Creative Writing is a way of getting out of some hard core grammar classes and having a chance to dos about with your mates and call it creative brainstorming. I wish someone would have told me when I applied to do English with Creative Writing that one day I would graduate and have to come to terms with that fact that the only thing you can do with this expensive waste of time is teach. I am not a teacher. I know this, and despite my more poilte friends, they probably know it too. No, I decided to do the crazy thing that most feminists would wet their frilly knickers at, I follwed my heart and they boy I love to the Lake District and have set up camp here for the past three years.So five months into this crazy adventure I find myself in a flat I don't like with a job I didn't want and a car that was trying to kill me on a daily basis. I like to think a couple years of perspective did the job of numbing the pain from that period of time, but it didn't. It really didn't. To top it all off, by the time I moved out of, from what will now be referred to as, The Flat from Hell, that had also robbed me of most of my life. Read that as the damp in the tiny little flat was so bad it had infiltrated my already weak lungs and had put me in hospital on a monthly basis. But I think I've jumped the gun a little bit, I should really start this whole thing when I thought my life had actually begun. No, not when I was born, that's boring. I fancy starting this whole thing (by the way - this whole thing has yet to be defined as anything but thoughts) at the tender age of 16. I find myself looking back to the height of my hormonic years with wonder and longing. Don't ask me why, I am hoping the writing will do what it's supposed to do and take on a life of it's own and do the discovering for me. So here goes, ill post the site name on facebook and see what happens.